I've Been Thinking

I've been thinking it has been way too long since I have written, a thing I really like to do.  Why?  It's because I've been using every excuse that my mind was able to justify as a reason not to.  In fact, they were just all excuses....  I have felt stuck, paralyzed, listless, overwhelmed and the list goes on.  I have warned others: do what I say, not what I'm doing.  I needed help, I knew it, I know it....  the list of excuse kept finding its way into my head.  God help me.

God?  I abandoned God years ago.  Not on purpose, I just stopped.  I think now, that is when it all started going down hill.  I have been a run away train.  All I thought I knew was how to do work, I thought that was what was necessary to give my family all the things they wanted and that I was able to.  Oh what a horrible choice I made and it has cost me...  and as it stands today, it has cost me almost everything.

In some ways, recent years...  I don't know how many, but many nevertheless, I have been like the tide,  in one minute, out the next.  Many good times, many sad, lost times.  I guess I might look okay on the outside, but I've been lost and sad on the inside.  I abandoned God unintentionally and am paying the price.  I unknowingly abandoned my family, I'm not who I want to be or who I use to be.  I know it's time to change, I know I have huge obstacles to overcome, deep valleys to climb out of.  The excuses resurface...  I know what I have to do, but I can't move.  I have to move....  and I finally have taken a few baby steps.  I'm not sure what gave me the energy, ambition, inspiration or what...  but I finally got up.  The time is NOW.

It was Sunday, February 3rd, the day before Scentsy Family Spring Sprint in Portland, ME.  Something came over me, I didn't know what, but something felt different.  I had to leave my house at 4:30am, but I can't sleep, I'm not tired, my mind was racing but I can't tell you about any one thing, it was everything. The family I have lost, the work I use to love and now despise, Scentsy and my lack of being where I want to be, money, bills, how my house was becoming a disaster area....  but I didn't feel bad....  something was coming over me.  I went up to bed at 1:15am, I knew I should try to take a nap before leaving.  I did leave at 4:30am as planned and actually woke up before the alarm went off.  Less that 3 hours sleep.  Why?  It was time to change.

We arrived in Portland right on schedule, much earlier than we needed to be there, but I planned it that way in case something went wrong.  It was awesome, I felt good, but I also was confused, I don't know why I feel different.  Then came the hugs, hugs and more hugs.  I felt needed, wanted and loved (in a friendly way, not a romantic way).  It felt good...  it felt like life use to feel.  There's Buffy, then Erica my power buddy I met at convention, Dawn, Cathy, Michelle, Dawn, and especially Niki, I'll come back to Niki, and others, they kept coming up to me...  and people I didn't know, but they knew me, they came to me with hugs and happiness...  I felt like a rockstar...  someone people wanted to be with...  a feeling I have not had in many years....  and it felt good to feel that way again. People I apparently helped online with their questions....  they looked for and me and found me.  It was cool.

Then while waiting for our pre-event meeting, I saw Becca (Levie) come into the room.  Now there's a rockstar...  we are all like groupies around her.  People point and whisper "there she is", so excited to be in her presence.  I'm no different, but, what goes on in my head is different.  I feel like I have a connection on some level with Becca, and I have no idea what that really means.  Like an ESP thing (she'd laugh if she knew that), but it feels different.  I have heard her story, listened to her talks...  she is an amazing person that has gone through more than most of us can imagine and done what I need to do...  I look to her in awe.  She is in my life because she has traveled a path before me, now I know I can too, even if I don't know how to do that yet.  I watched as people crowded to be near her and to have an opportunity to talk.  I smiled inside, how special is that.

When we finally made eye contact, smiled and waved across the crowd, it was calming.  I struggle to write because I don't what this to sound like something it is not.  When I saw her step in my direction I knew it was to come see me and get one of those 12 hugs a day everyone needs.  That was special there were only a few words spoken and she went back to responding to her flock.  I felt that same strange feeling again, something was different, but I don't know what.

After the team meeting, when many had left, I met Becca again. I think she asked "how are you" but it felt like, "how are YOU", meaning now just general chit chat.  I knew my life was a mess...  I did not know what to say.  I can not complain and talk about woe is me...  that's wrong, but that is what my life felt like, so I could hardly talk.  She shared quietly at me without saying a word and let the love of God start pouring into me in silence.  She probably does not even know it happened.  I was still unsure of what was happening to my inner being...  I still didn't know what direction to go...  but I knew I was no longer alone.  Not only had I reconnected with my friend, I also knew God was there somewhere, he never abandoned me.  I didn't see Becca again all day.

I had several offers for dinner that night.  My two riders told me they had found other rides back to Massachusetts because they knew I wanted to stay.  I turned down every offer for dinner, they weren't meant to be, not that night.  All the good byes had been said, everyone I knew left, I decided to make one more walk around looking for others to say good-bye to, but all those I knew had left....  I was ready to leave for home when I received a text message that simply said "Dan I am in the bar".  Who was this from....  Becca Levie....  holy cow, what an adrenaline rush I got!  I responded "I'll be right in".  She said "Awesome".  OK, where's the bar????

Becca, her husbad Terry, daughter Kallie and another Director, Edie Cote, and me, how strange was that?  Edie and Becca did most of the talking, I listened a lot, I didn't know why I was there or why I was the only one Becca said she sent a text message to asking me to join them.  Then Jill McCarthy and Jen Audette.  I was there with the real super stars of Scentsy...  why me?  They started talking about going out to dinner and discovered I was going too....  it just kept getting better....  and I still don't know why me.  We went to Bull Feeney's in the old port area of Portland...  how quaint and how much fun.
There was nothing more too it...  just great company.

So why was I there?  Napoleon Hill spoke of a master mind team in his book Think and Grow Rich.  The concept is that one person can not do it all or know it all.  Thus, surround yourself with the best of the best.  I believe I was brought there to meet my mastermind team with Becca as my lead mentor in both business and God.  She is an amazing teacher of both, God first.

So, the time has come, it is time for a change, and it all began, right then and there.  I know I have to start with me.  The next morning, I got the scales out and found myself at the heaviest ever in my life...  tipping the scales to the tune of 233 pounds.  I have no plans for my weight to ever be an ounce more than that, ever.  I dusted off my "Lose it" app on the iPhone, upgraded and set my first goal to get to 210 by April 17th.  I think 190 would be better, but I want an initial goal of 210 so I can have a big celebration at that point....  then I can set another goal and get ready for the next celebration.  As I write this post, I'm at 229.  My target is 1644 calories per day...  something I have never counted before and on Wednesday, I obtained my black card from Planet Fitness (so I can go in any Planet Fitness anywhere).  I now go to the gym for lunch instead of McDonalds or Wendy's.  I joined the Scentsy Wellness Program and sent my picture in as was required while standing on the scales...  I'm going to do the 5K at the Scentsy Family Reunion in July... some would say - OMG, you are going to do a 5K?  Yes I am.

I'll close with the wonderful ways I am being inspired....  the writing of my friends...  Kirk Weisler on T4D (Thought for the Day) that help me become a better person.  Bernice Taylor, a former neighbor from Safford, AZ who's writings touch my soul....  I want to help her publish her works and of course, Becca Levie...  my Scentsy,  God and life mentor.  She reminded me (and others) today about how we think...  and I am rethinking life as a result.... so this is the week.

The start of a renewed me.