I’m As Ready As I Can Be

It’s been a week or so since I was last able to write, I’ve been in a mental whirlwind of emotions, fears, and a whole lot more.  From dealing with a surprised diagnosis of colon cancer nearly a year ago, to many months of chemo followed by a celebration of what appeared to have been a clean bill of health, only to discover not only was my cancer back, but I’m now at stage 4, has been devastating news.  I was and am mad as hell.  I really tried to follow all the guidance, do all the right thing, why is this bastard back?

I honestly didn’t feel I could think straight for more than a few minutes. I felt I had been given a death sentence, and quite honestly, still feel that to some extent.  I feel my days have been reduced to real numbers, many fewer than most of us hope for.  I’m no longer going to live forever, death and checking out from all I know feels like it’s hit home.  Horrid, horrid, horrid feelings.

I’m not grounded completely, but, I feel my feet are at least scuffing the ground a bit ... just like as a plane touching down and you see that first puff of smoke ... almost there and can breathe a bit more normally.  The support and outpouring of love has been amazing and more than I would have ever dreamed I had out there.  I’ve done much in my like, had my hands in a lot of things, but of late, the past several years actually, have felt very unaccomplished inside.  Thinking many of past apparent successes where nothing more than mere mirages. So many things didn’t go or end up as I planned.  I've been really mad and feeling down and out.  However, I’m not ready to go yet, I have corrections to make, goals to achieve, accomplishments to meet.  Look out cancer, this boy is back and going to kick your ass, again!

Since I last wrote, I’ve had a liver biopsy, which wasn’t too bad, but wasn’t very fun either, and that has been confirmed as colon cancer on my liver - I’ve at stage 4 - this crap is everywhere within me.  The silver lining is that the biopsy was successful in collecting enough tissue samples so a molecular study could be done (if those are the correct terms) to determine what proteins are associated with my cancer.  Why?  The advances in medical cancer research has discovered that the immune system can be trained to seek out mutated cells (the cancerous ones), attack and kill them much better than the current chemotherapy that sort of kills everything, good and bad.  Known as immunotherapy, it’s greatly more advanced and produces superior results compared to today's general chemotherapy.  I’m hoping for the best and we can more forward with immunotherapy.

It takes 3 to 4 weeks to complete the protein study - what until then?  The sitting around waiting is a mental challenge.  The mind wanders so easily, what can I do?  My doctors at Mass General in Boston are planning on restarting chemotherapy, but using different drugs in the cocktail.  I had reactions to Oxaliplatin so it is out and "I think" they are recommending Avastin as a replacement, which is a drug that can be used with colon cancer that has metastasized to other organs, such as my liver and lungs.  The problem is, the side affects, of chemotherapy in general, and those of this drug, are scary as hell when you read them.

As a side note, I’ve always been amazed at drug advertisements on TV that last for 30 seconds, in which 10 seconds are how good the drug is and 20 seconds of all the bad stuff and fine print that can happen by taking it.  I digress.

So, while I’m waiting to hear when chemo will start, and to meet with the liver and lung surgical team at Mass General, I have been doing my own research and looking at options.  Second opinions and case review at other cancer centers seem to be in order, as do alternative approaches.  Medical marijuana, or cannabis, seems to be have the attention of MANY people, perhaps not those in the scientific or medical world yet, but it’s hard to ignore the hundreds and hundreds of positive stories.  For example, check out some of the testimonies on Cannabis Health Radio as hundreds of examples.  It’s an area I will continue to research.

Lastly, I will also ask again, if you haven’t done so, I encourage you to dig into your pocket and help support me and My American Cancer Society Relay For Life team with a donation ... any amount, it all helps. I have received hundreds and hundreds of messages, calls, and emails of encouragement ... if each of those person's made a $5.00 donation, we’d surely help make a difference.  You can make a tax deductible donation in support of me and my team by clicking here:  My Relay For Life Donation page, you'll get your tax deductible receipt directly from the American Cancer Society.  If you can’t do the donation site $5.00 minimum, put 2 bucks in an envelope and send it to me at:

Team Director Dan, Relay For Life

141 Oakridge Drive

Belchertown, MA 01007

I’ll document it and donate it to the team with along with others donations and all with my sincere thanks.  Again, I can not thank you enough for the outpourings of support, for following my story, and for the love you have shown.  It means the world to me, thanks.

Parting thoughts shared with me by my dear friend Bernice....

it's for me, and it's for you for whatever you're facing...

shared with you with my love  ....