A Renewal

the look of how I feel

In the past, I have always been a guy that has tried to do the right thing, to help others and to move forward and upward in whatever I do.  For the past several years, I have not even felt close to that feeling.  I feel overwhelmed, unhappy, living in a changing world that is not changing for the better, in my humble opinion.  I have not been able to do anything about it.

Was I always successful?  No.  Did I make mistakes? Yes.  Was I fooled by many people?  Yes.  Was I being judged?  Yes.  Did I take it personally?   Yes.   Do I need to change?   Yes.

Back in about 1991, the first time I walked into BLM's Carlsbad Resource Area in Carlsbad, NM, an office I was about to start working at, the first person I met was Yolanda Leon.  At that time, she was sitting at the reception desk and we struck up a conversation while I was waiting.  After a long conversation, she suddenly stopped, looked at me and said, with this inquisitive look, "You're Christian, aren't you?"  From that moment on, I knew I was doing something right.  That was a moment I'll never forget.

I worked, I tried, I did all I could to provide it all for my family, the best that I knew how.  I worked harder and did things at work to make it better.  I always did what I thought was the right thing to do.  Obviously, not all those decisions worked out.  Today, some 25 plus years later, I feel broken, overwhelmed and as if I have lost it all.  I have only a couple of what I consider true friends.  I feel many who said they were my friends have gone by the wayside because I am no longer a conduit for them...  they were fake and I was taken in.  I have friends that have taken total advantage of me, as I apparently let them because I am not into controversy and fighting back.  

Nothing feels good now, alone and unhappy.  The best thing I do is listen to Joel Osteen on Sirius XM.

Many people say that happiness in within us, we are in control of it.  I've tried, I still don't get how to say I am responsible for being happy on the inside when nothing on the outside seems to be working.  My outside appearance is fake.  Fake for who, so others won't know?  Fake so I didn't have to answer questions or explain why.  That has gotten to the point I can't take it anymore.  All negative doesn't work, living for someone else's benefit doesn't work.

Who knew that this little device in my tool kit would light the light.  Some may know that I maintain my technology skills by repairing Apple iPhones and iPads (see my PhoneFixer Facebook page).  The tiny screwdrivers I use are magnetic to make it easier to grasp the tiny screws used in these devices.  Occasionally, the magnetic properties seem to fade and I use this little $3.00 part to renew the magnetism level in the screwdriver.  During a repair last week, it struck me.  

I like the look much better

All I need to do is to do the same to my mental and physical state.  Perhaps that is exactly what I am doing by listening to Joel Osteen.  His podcast is renewing me.  I can't change those people of things around me, only they can.  If the people choose not to have me a part of their life as they once did, their loss, but it is not going to bother me anymore.  The things that are messed up will take the time to correct.  It took a lot of time to get messed up, it will take a while to get it cleaned up.  However, I refuse to be in doom and gloom until it is all fixed...  I will celebrate along the way, with or without my past friends.  I am finding there are non-judgemental people that understand what I mean and they will be the people I enjoy time with.  Those are the special people.  Those encouraging my renewal, so I begin to feel as I once looked and felt.

Please welcome back the Dan I use to be, it is a work in progress, don't expect miracles overnight, but do expect celebrations as we take baby steps forward.

The renewal has begun.