I am so under the weather and feel like a loser ...
Much of it may be mental, but the numbers have turned against me.
I'm just not ready.
Having difficulty putting up the fight ...
Feeling its all for naught.
How do I stay positive?
I don't know.
How am I able to get up and move?
I do not know.
How do I put up a fight?
My mind is full of losing the fight.
I can't clear my mind.
I'm so alone, but I know you're there.
I was suppose to start my second 28 day round of chemo (lonsurf) ...
But the doc says I'm not well enough ...
This is when people die from chemo she says.
I'm not ready to go.
My CEA score went from 29.2 on my birthday, December 5th, to 85.1 today.
That is about double my previously highest score ever.
the norm is less than 5 ...
this is not good.
Don't get hung up on CEA they say ...
but when it almost triples in 2 weeks, something is wrong.
Blood counts are low, too low.
I can't get sicker, I have nothing left inside to fight with.
Thanks for not giving up on me, I feel too weak to fight for myself.
We'll test it again next week ...
If you are over 45 years old ...
talk to your doc and get screened if you haven't already.
Don't wait, it can only get worse ...
Find this rat bastard early and sight to beat it ...
but get screened EARLY.
I beg of you.
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