Here I sit about 3:30 or so a.m. I’ve been awake for over an hour with stomach cramps, bad taste in my mouth (more like an aftertaste from drinking Crystal Light, can’t sleep, can’t get comfortable. Another bloody nose, which has been common place for a long time (partially what sent me looking for another doctor that would help figure it out - it’s been going on since I was seeing Dr. Mintz over 3 years ago). I figure it’s just the reaction to chemo last week, or is it, my mind wanders.
It wanders and wanders, the new norm. It’s often hard to put the good face forward when your mind is going in other directions. It’s hard to reel the thoughts back in when it seems like deja vu and you’ve been down this path or thought process before. Is it already written in stone and I’m just playing out the days?
As my stomach sits here gurgling away, I suddenly think, deja vu again. This is exactly why I drove myself to the Emergency Room on February 20th - the same gurgling, the same stomach pains, the same sick feelings. Was my disease just taking me over? Was it spreading already? Will my next CT Scan show that what’s left of my colon was just becoming a breeding ground for the cancer within me? I hate this feeling. How do I get it out of my head?
I want to beat this horrific situation and move on with life. It’s very difficult to see that happening and feeling my insides are just NOT normal anymore. The support and love of friends is amazing. The outpouring of so many well wishers is touching, some of them almost outright shocking. Nevertheless, I can’t help but think it’s all just part of the script with my tragic ending.
Heavenly Father, I beg you for the strength needed to make it to the next phase of my life on earth. I hope my wishes are the same as yours. I am weak, I need your hand and love now more than ever. This in the name of Jesus I pray.
#HaveBelief
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